Insomia Random Posting

Another insomia nite, don know why. Its getting worse of late.

Met up with WC for dinner; found a nice Italian place at Esplanade. Crazy prices. If not for the pizza promotion, we wont have entered.

$10 for a wood-baked pizza with pretty good open air sitting area and view.

rn flew off a few hours ago for her WA IM. Jia You and pls come back in one piece.

Cover my dream with Your blood

Its almost 4am; Im still wide awake. I just can't sleep.

I had the weirdest experience from late Sunday night till Monday.

For no apparent reason, just past Sunday midnight, an overwhelming sense of helplessness, depression and the lost of direction just engulfed me. To the point I simply cant sleep it off and had to call in sick the next day. It continued to haunt me the entire day no matter how I tried to distract myself by sleeping late into the afternoon.

Suddenly, I just felt so tired. Really, just so tired and fatigue.

Over the years, I did have several similar encounters; usually after a prolonged hospitalization. Fear tend to consume me during such hours for no apparent reason. There's no reason to fear anything; but somehow it will just come.

I felt alot better this morning; after stepping into my lab, holding my equipment in hand and executing a full running physiology test on last year's scsm third runner-up. I felt His gentle reminder of who I am in Him, my role as a physiologist.

I don't know why.

I just feel that my time in the current place is almost up.

Perhaps you can relate it to the environment; perhaps to the type of people im working with, perhaps to the management. But above all, I don't think its "self-psychoed".

When I was a sports science under-grad, I had the privilege of being given full exercise physiology support in my running. From then on, I wondered how good would it be if such services can be made to the general runners at a reasonable price. Of course, Tribob then was already offering such services, but at prices of heavenly figures of course.

Unknowingly, subconsciously, whatever you call it, I began to dwell deeper to understand the protocols and process, ultimately coming to grasp a good concept of the Classic Three: VO2max, Lactate Threshold and Running Economy.

When I expressed this thought to teacher 2 years ago, his final words went "you will be the one". Back then, I thought it was impossible. Even if there's a tinge of hope, its gonna be a long and hard process.

Fast forward 2 weeks ago, by the time I sent off Jade and her filming crew, it was already late in the night. In the silence of the gym, a very strong thought just flashed across which went "it is finished".

Yes, it is finished.

The 3 tests are completed.

I have fulfiled my early vision. They are now available to the runners at prices which nobody can compete at. Even the cock up Toolbox cant fight against my prices and standards. Yes, Im proud to say that I am that good and they are that screwed (hey it rhymes).

Suddenly I just felt Him grinning and telling me "see its not hard. You thought its such a big and difficult vision but its completed. I have bigger things for you, will you come OVER" ?

With the exception of my left-hand man, I don't like to share my thoughts of destiny and visions with anyone else. I don't know why.

Its not an issue of trust. But rather, are the other people around me visionaries? Do they ever have dreams? Even the people whom I know over a decade and meet often. Yes, we talk alot no doubt, but its always in present tense, not future tense.

My story about my encounter with destiny during the half-marathon 5 years ago creates more skeptics than believers. But that really happened. The experience at that 14km; the immense hunger at the end. Its clearly written down 5 years ago after the race in my running journal.

I want to believe.

I want to come over.

Will You cover my dream with Your blood ?

Moving on

Time flies, 2 more months till the end of 2009.

I don't write much these days. I don't know why. Its not about who's reading my entries nor there's nothing exciting to input. Somehow, many a times, when I stare at this blog space, suddenly I just forgot how to express my thoughts and emotions anymore.

I don't know why this is happening. Could be a spillover effect from work whereby the Head is trying to create an artificial leader in me resulting in an identity crisis. Could be Im just so tired of typing. Could be, well, Im losing touch again with emotions. As how I told J a couple of weeks back "several years ago while I approach life and issue alot immaturely, I certainly enjoyed the rich variety of emotions which I had to go through then. It added alot more colors to life".

I dont know how to describe life these days. Its just... good ? Too good that its plateauing. Sure, I got my performance bonus while other sectors don't. I just received a small (i really mean tiny) salary increment. I was awarded Quarterly Best Service Award. The running book which I contributed 2 chapters just got launched and it was a roaring success. Im gonna be on various media sources soon for my physiological running testing services.

But its just so .... .... stagnant. Looking back the past 14 months, I enjoyed the early period when I was thrown into the deep pit with nothing but just a computer, treadmill and a gas analyser and I had to create miracles. With God's grace, it was accomplished. I recalled the early days when the Head put me to test by making me take on a project which was totally out of my expertise and how I burned Xmas and CNY just to deliver it. And alot more others which all added to contribute to enhance and increased my running physiology knowledge and skills by leaps and bounds.

The things I do these days... Im fast becoming an administrator. Meetings, paper work, budget planning etc. Its really easy life honestly. Too easy. Good salary also.

Sickening.

Never wanted to be an administrator. Everyone else wanted it though.

For many are called but few are chosen. Hence, the first shall be the last and the last will be the last.

I always believed, is believing and want to believe that I am the few chosen ones in my field. Looking back and piecing the moments and events together, its clearer and clearer that I am not just called, but chosen. Its not pride; its faith in destiny.

Of course, there were several enjoyable occasions. Go read about the below lady:

http://kasperskycommonwealthexpedition.com/the-team/sophia-pang.cfm

As me and my left-hand man sent Sophia off 2 nights ago, I still stand in awe of how the Lord graciously led us through Project Antartica Expedition. Possibly the only time when Im not just the Exercise Physiologist but also the High Performance Team Manager for the project. Coordinating and constantly in communication with the other specialists such as the nutritionist, the physiotherapist etc. It was tough initially and doubts haunted me whether can we pull this through. However, I always looked forward to Sophia's strength training with us as the type of stuff we did with her are things which will never be seen in common day to day work. Above all, this lady inspires us with her will power in her life management. A mother of three, she had to juggle between work, training, taking care of 3 young children and managing the house. Days when she came to training tired yet continuing to give her all in dragging the 120kg of load across several kms. For her courage and committment, she was awarded the Women of Our Time a couple of months back and was invited to dinner with the President. Certainly a project worth remembering.

Another would be a running workshop which I personally delivered. Sure, over the years and during these 14mths, I have given short talks, scientific presentations and even spoken to relatively large public crowd. But to do a 2.5 hrs workshop solely on running from scratch was really a big challenge. From the creation of the course book materials to the presentations to getting the shoes for demonstration, everything was single handedly done.

It was a beautiful success. Though only a small crowd (about 18), the company's director was really happy and even extended a personal invitation to their company's tent for makan during this year's SCSM.

These are not self-glorifying moments. But rather, these are projects which I truly enjoyed for on one hand Im utilizing and applying my skills, on the other, it contains a certain magnitude of challenge which is enough to make you doubt yourself at times.

Hovering at the borders of doubt or belief, collapse or triumph, fight or flight. This is what I relish and appreciate.

Early morning cleaning

We all love to collect rubbish don't we.

At least its true for me.

Just cleared and threw away quite a fair bit of stuff accumulated over the years such as movie post cards, spoiled PS 2 games (got to test them disc by disc damm it), fast food collectibles etc.

I used to be quite a hoarder; as long an item is related to something I enjoy, I must have it; best if its double copies. Hence, most trips to Bangkok would equate plenty of Star Wars / LOTR / Transformers collectibles.

But for my past 3 trips (1 HK + 2 Perth), such practise was kept to its minimum or in fact, hardly. Somehow as you get older, you don't want so much useless stuff around you. Of course, certain habits are still retained e.g. my acquisitions of wine and alcohol in 150 to 300ml sizes. And there's still the once in the blue moon "I see I like I must collect" attitude, with the latest purchase being the Transformer 2 Movie beverage tumbler with an Optimus Prime figure on it.
Yes, Im still a kid at times.

Many are called

but few are chosen (Mtw 20:16).

Ever since a glimpse of destiny 5 years ago, I always believe Im special.

Not only am I called, I had believed, is believing and want to believe that I am the few chosen one for my field.

Now, show me more ... ...

Keeping the faith at 25

Was updating my resume when i realized its slightly over a year since I started on my current work. Doing a short stock-check revealed many things which I hardly sat down and ponder about. Its been an interesting 1 year worth of working life, with about 4 more calendar months till the year end.

Work
If I were to demonstrate my work progression in a graphical manner, its one filled with deep valley and peak experiences, but definately on an upward increasing trend. I dont talk much about my work these days; not that there's nothing to say. I dont whine about the shitty things unlike the initial phase. Whine and kao peh too much would only result in self-pity which aint gonna solve the problem. When one keeps thinking everyone around you is plotting against you, the outcome would be you simply cant get anything done. Even when in reality it is true that pple around you are marking u down, waiting to ripe you apart, i realized by adopting the mindset of "The world is my playground, what can I fear", these pple aint much of an issue at all. As I always tell myself, I am the Beta and the Psi; never the Alpha and Omega for that do not belong to me. After a year in my field, im beginning to recognize that opportunities are ample. Im not referring to being a scamming and deceiving "physiologist" like Racer's Toolbox of course, but rather, with proper planning and structuring, many things can be achieved with a few alliances forged here and there. I turned down 2 job opportunities, in fact to the extend of giving one to an accquintance in the same field while the other came as far as from Melbourne. The mindset of lack is the opening step to poverty.

Relationship
Its been an interesting 9 mths, having been out with a few girls without a serious approach of course. Mindset is quite different now, in the sense, i no longer have to fill up an emotional tank. Rather, to approach girls of different characters and have a taste of how each type will interact with mine and the varying outcomes. From there a profiling can be done of each individual class. A little scientific in the approach, but really its just logic and rational. I no longer see age as a barrier, with the oldest among the few being 31. I take things with a lot less emotions, but rather to merely just enjoy each other's company at each outing. Being in this field helps alot; everyday Im forced to talk to strangers of all walks of lives and it creates an extrovert within an introvert. Giving public talks and workshops to progressively huge crowds help to develop one's confidence in speaking and displaying of body language. A leadership position allowed my polishing of the manner i carry myself as well. All these added together, contributed significantly to the way I approach the opposite gender with the intention of knowing her better. For once, Im actually described to be charismatic when I speak, able to communicate well with non-verbal cues .

An open mindset helps alot. I used to think I would never go out with So & so coz her character is the extreme opposite end of mine. In the end, I ate my words; we went for a movie 2 weeks ago followed by a really good conversation late to close mid-night. Right now, we chat almost everyday on msn. Dig beyond the assumed outer surface and perhaps you might find a whole chest of treasure. Of course above all, certain fundamental values still stay. E.g. my Christian faith still takes priority. I don't create an artificial image of myself, giving the opposite gender a false impression. I state the facts that Im not well-off, I can be aggressive in language at times plus my bluntness can hurt, and the list goes on. All these helps, for it encourages the other party to be honest with you as well, to which I appreciate.

Its a never ending list to write really. Nearing 25 (ok, there's another 4 more mths but heck), the Lord has showered plenty of grace and blessings upon me. Of course, things are never always smooth. My health's not been very good, having been in & out of the hospital twice within 6 mths for the same condition. Been getting a tad lazy of late as well, prefering to procrastinate and leaving things to the last minute only to panic. But I thank the Lord, that this 1 working year had provided plenty of opportunities to reflect those whole chunk load of weaknesses and problems that need to be changed and strengths which can be further sharpened and polished.

I never fully comprehend Phillipians 3:13-15 all these years. Its a unique verse simply becoz it was given to me the moment b4 I stepped out of the house for my first race; AHM 2004. All these years, I encouraged myself and develop my attitude through the latter half of the verse " Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead". This 1 working year taught me the first half "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it".

This is what my teacher Frankie really meant when he always tell me "the more you know, the more you realized you don't know".

Day 6

1) A famous night club where the Young and Dangerous series was filmed (according to the guide lah)

2) Repulse bay. Nice place for photos. But once is enough.



3) Floating restaurant where Stephen Chow's God of Cookery was filmed.


4) Cable car ride to the iron Buddha. The view was spectacular.